


Quietly

by queerbioengineer



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Crushes, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, Mutual Pining, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Self-Esteem Issues, Unrequited Love, spoilers for episode 110, they both are yearning and it's deliciously stupid of them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:01:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26615635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queerbioengineer/pseuds/queerbioengineer
Summary: "No. She didn’t expect to fall in love with her wizard. But here she was, crying in the beautiful room he made just for her, because her wizard didn’t love her back. Not in the way she wanted him to. "Or, a look into Jester's POV (post episode 110)
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 20
Kudos: 134





	Quietly

Jester sat on her bed in the most beautiful room she’d ever seen, and she _hated_ it.

She hated how painstakingly accurate the details were, an eidetic memory recrafting each individual doodle and paint mark she had adorned the walls with _perfectly._ She hated the way her bed was expanded to finally fit a grown woman and then some, but still pink and delicate and covered in a mountain of feather-stuffed pillows. She hated the perfect view of the shores of Nicodranas, moving and swaying in real time, as the gentle sounds of the city floated up to her from dimensions away. She hated the perfect recreation of all of her beautiful dresses in the closet, the way he had even thought to mend the stitches in the fabric where it had been worn away over time. She hated the soft smell of cinnamon and freshly baked bread in the air, she _hated it._

She hated it, because it sent pangs through her heart, reminding her yet again that she had no idea what love was supposed to feel like.

She had thought she knew, for the longest time ( _what a stupid little girl she was_ ). The books were very clear in telling her what to expect: steamy embraces and passionate declarations of love and desire, coming from the mouth of a strong, rugged man. They told her to expect someone like Fjord, coming to sweep her off of her feet with his handsome face and charming presence, to expect that she would fall for the first man she met, and she would fall hard and fast. 

That was what love was supposed to be like, right? It was supposed to be big, and romantic, and dramatic, and _loud._

She screwed up her mouth in frustration, burying her face and growling into her heap of pillows as traitorous tears began welling up behind her eyes.

She didn’t expect it to be _quiet_.

She didn’t expect to see a handsome face hiding under a stinky, squishy wizard exterior, or how his eyes ( _sad eyes, too sad, too often)_ would sparkle like the sea on the rare occasion that she got him to smile. She didn’t expect to _like_ making him smile so much. She liked making everyone smile, but his smile was like, an extra special accomplishment. It was hard to find, hard to get, and that made her want it that much more. She teased him, chasing that strange, human blush that matched his hair and went all the way down to the collar of his coat, and he would always let her. And when she made him laugh that one time while she sent a message, the sound made her heart jolt a little bit.

And he was so quiet, and she used to think quiet was _boring_ , that _he_ was boring, because he only liked books and cats and paper and other boring things. But time went on, and he was her friend now, and he was actually kind of silly sometimes, and she kind of loved it. He would Polymorph with her and they would play together as eagles and mammoths and giant apes and dinosaurs, and they got to just be in their own little world for a while, where everything was simpler. And he let her play with Frumpkin whenever she wanted, and maybe cats actually were kind of fun, and maybe even paper and books weren’t that bad because they made Caleb happy in a nerdy-wizard kind of way, and she kind of really liked when he was happy.

She didn’t expect him to look rather handsome when he shaved, or to look really at home in his fancy clothes, or to smell kind of earthy and smoky and _nice_ when he stopped needing to hide. She didn’t expect soft smiles and thoughtful gestures to warm her heart, given without any sort of expectation. She didn’t expect to nearly take for granted how easily he said “yes” to her compared to everyone else, and how he was the only one who never made her feel stupid, or helpless, or _small._ She didn’t expect his hands to be so warm when she held them, or for his eyes ( _so hard and cold in the midst of battle, weaving power out of nothing from his fingertips_ ) to look so soft and open and full of something special, something just for _her_ , on the rare occasion when he met her gaze.

No. She didn’t expect to fall in love with her wizard. But here she was, crying in the beautiful room he made just for her, because her wizard didn’t love her back. Not in the way she wanted him to.

He loved Astrid. Astrid was smart, and powerful, and handsome, and human, and just... perfect for Caleb. Astrid was everything she wasn’t, and that was _fine_ because she loved herself, and everyone else loved her too.

Just… never first.

That was the thing, wasn’t it? No matter how many people loved her, there was always going to be something they loved a little bit more, something they would choose before her. Fjord chose Avantika, the Traveler chose his other friends, her friends chose themselves and left her all alone with a big blue dragon. Even Mama, who loved her _so_ so much, chose staying in the Chateau over taking Jester outside, and exploring the world with her daughter.

And Caleb chose not to dance with her. He chose to dance with Beau, and Fjord, and not her, because he didn’t _want_ her like that, he didn’t _want_ to do his stupid formal dance with her, he wanted to do it with Astrid, and that was _fine_.

Jester could get her to dance with him. Jester could help them get back together, because she wanted Caleb to be _happy_ , and Astrid could make him happy. Not her. Astrid.

Jester could do that for him, at least. And then she’d sleep in her beautiful room at night and cry, wishing that she could be chosen first, just this one time.

Quietly.

**Author's Note:**

> First time doing a CR fic. Let me know what you think! (I adore Widojest as a ship)


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